


happiness is a series of phone calls

by memorysdaughter



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Dialogue Heavy, F/F, Modern AU, Phone Calls, even Victor, everybody else is mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-13
Updated: 2016-07-13
Packaged: 2018-07-23 18:08:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7474497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/memorysdaughter/pseuds/memorysdaughter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A fast-paced dialogue-heavy fic detailing some interesting events in Pike and Keyleth's relationship.</p><p>Or: the one where I got a little silly and wrote this in my head at 3 a.m.</p>
            </blockquote>





	happiness is a series of phone calls

“Tal-Dorei Times, crime desk.”

“Vex.”

“Yes, Keyleth?”

“I think something might be wrong with Pike.”

“Why, darling?”

“She hasn’t answered any of my calls today.”

“Today was the funeral, Keyleth.”

“I know, but… she’s called _you_ today, right?”

A sigh. “Yes.  She called me.”

“So it’s something with me!”

“No, darling.  She called to check in on the construction progress at the clinic since I can see it right out my office window.  She wanted to make sure Grog hadn’t worked Scanlan to death.”

“And?”

“So far, so good.  They’re having a coffee break right now.”

“No, I meant, with Pike.”

“She sounds tired, Keyleth.  There’s a great deal to do to close out her great-grandfather’s house in Tucson.”

“I knew I should have gone with her.”

“You couldn’t.”

“I still should have.”

“Keyleth.  Jarrett fell off the ladder in the nursery and broke his leg, and Shayne already had the week off to visit her aunt in Portland.  You would have had to close down the flower shop for the week, and that would be the two of you out of work.”

“So she’s not mad at me?”

“No, darling.  She’s very busy and very tired.  I’m sure she’ll call you tonight.”

“Okay.”

“Don’t sound so miffed, Keyleth.  Your wife loves you.  She’s just dealing with a lot.”

 

* * *

 

_Beep._

“It’s Keyleth.  I know that you know that, since you have caller ID.  It’s noon.  Well, like, ten minutes after noon.  I know I called you like four times already today but I didn’t leave a message last time and I wondered if you’d think that was weird so I thought I’d leave a message.  Um, okay.  I miss you, and I’m sorry I couldn’t be there.  Ooh!  Have you seen any gila monsters yet?  I’ve heard there’s a lot of them out in Tucson. I’ve always wanted to have one as a pet.  Maybe you could bring one home or something.  We could keep it in an aquarium and I could make a special habitat for him and -”

 

_Beep._

“Sorry about that, the message must have run out of space or something.  Anyway… I just love you.  That’s all.”

 

* * *

 

“Tal-Dorei Times, crime desk, no comment.”

“No comment about what?”

“Keyleth?”

“Yes?”

“Why are you calling again?”

“What are you not commenting on?”

“There was a robbery at the Gilmore’s Glorious Salon franchise on South and Fourteenth while I was there getting my hair cut this morning.  All that was taken were some wigs and about twenty-seven thousand dollars in cash.  And I’m not supposed to comment.”

“Oh.  Why would someone only take _wigs?”_

“Keyleth.”

“What?”

“What did you call for?”

“I still can’t get ahold of Pike.”

“For God’s sake, Keyleth, it’s been three hours.  She’s probably still at the funeral.  You know how those things go.  There’s a lot of small talk.  A luncheon.  There’s a lot of hands to shake.  Things to deal with.  Just… go back to work, darling.  If you’re still frantic after work, come over and you can have dinner with me and Vax and Trinket.”

“Will Percy be there?”

“He can’t keep his hands off my brother, so the odds are very good.”

“Ooh, goody.  Can we watch a movie?”

“We’ll do whatever you want, Keyleth.  Just _stop calling me.”_

“Okay!”

 

* * *

 

_Beep._

“Pike, I know today was probably really stressful for you, and I’m sorry I’m calling so late, but you need to call Keyleth back.  She’s off the rails and she called me seven times today at work.  I know you’re trying to keep… _it_ … a secret until you get back, but I swear I almost broke down and told her.  And we had her over for dinner and she was here until almost midnight.  I love you.  Call me if you need anything.”

 

* * *

 

 _Beep_.

“Vex’ahlia, if you tell my wife literally the biggest thing I’ve ever had to tell her since I was going to ask her to marry me, I will string you up by your toenails and let ducks eat you piece by piece.”

Long pause.

“Thanks for keeping an eye on the boys.  I’ll talk to you later.”

 

* * *

 

_Beep._

“String me up by my toenails?  I’d like to see you try.  You’re like, what, three feet tall?”

 

* * *

 

“Tal-Dorei Times, crime desk.”

“Vex.”

“Pike Trickfoot, if you called me before you called your wife, I’m going to…”

“Just… listen.”

“What is it?  You sound awful.”

“I can’t get on a plane to come home today.”

“What?  You need to.  I mean, Keyleth’s only called twice so far today, but it’s only ten-thirty.”

“I’m going to call in a minute to let her know, but there’s some issues out here with a piece of property Paw-Paw Wilhand owned.  I need to go see it and sign off on the sale of it to the city so it can be turned into a park like he wanted, but I’ve been up all night vomiting and I’m exhausted.”

“Oh, sweetie.”

“I just need to get through this today, and then come back here and sleep for like twelve hours.”

“You sound awful.”

“You told me that already.”

“I know.  I’m just reinforcing it, because… because I’m an idiot, darling.”

“Sometimes we all are.”

“Just tell me you’ve got someone out there to take care of you.”

“A neighbor of Wilhand’s named Kerrek is watching over me.  He’s actually doing a pretty good job.  Hey, I need to go.”

“I understand.  Take care of yourself, sweetie.  We’ll be here.  And Pike?”

“Yeah?”

“Call.  Keyleth.”

 

* * *

 

“Tal-Dorei Times, crime desk.”

“Why is her doctor calling me?”

“Hello to you too, Keyleth.”

“Her doctor keeps calling me!”

“Keyleth.  Slow down.  I can’t hear you through the frantic.”

“Pike’s doctor’s called three times already!”

“Three times in one day?  I can’t imagine how that feels.”

“Oh, God.  What if she’s… what if she’s _dying?_ ”

“Keyleth, didn’t she call you and explain everything this morning?”

“She said she had to go to a park with a guy named Care Bear!”

“Slow down again, Kiki.”

“She’s _dying_ and that’s why she’s not coming home!  Oh, God.”

“Keyleth!”

“And she’s going to _leave_ me!”

“ _Keyleth_.”

“Oh, God.”

“Keyleth, listen to me.  Take a deep breath.  Can you do that?  Now just listen.  Pike is not dying.  She’s got a stomach bug or something, and it’s taking her a little longer to deal with Wilhand’s affairs in Tucson.  She’ll be home tomorrow or the next day, so you need to _relax_ before you give yourself an ulcer.”

…

“Keyleth?”

“I feel woozy.”

“Put your head between your knees, okay?  I’ll call you in about an hour and check on you.”

“Vex?”

“Yes, darling?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

 

* * *

 

_Beep._

“Pike, you need to call your wife.  She thinks you’re dying.”

Short pause.

“Also, today Scanlan and Grog tried to carry the same piece of rebar and it was hysterical.  Just thought you should know.  I have some video on my phone.”

 

* * *

 

_Beep._

“Keyleth, baby.  I’m not dying.  I swear.  I’ll see you tomorrow night at the Laughing Lamia for dinner, all right?  Everything’s wrapped up here and I’ll be home soon.  I love you so much.”

 

* * *

 

“Tal-Dorei Times, crime desk.”

“Vex?”

“No, Keyleth.  I have to work.”

“But Vex!”

“See you tonight for dinner!”

 

* * *

 

“DeRolo Machining, this is Percy speaking.”

“Percy!  Do you know Pike’s secret?”

“Um, hello?”

“It’s Keyleth!  Do you know Pike’s secret?”

“Umm…”

“Percy… you _know_ you want to tell me.”

“I don’t think Pike _has_ secrets, Keyleth.”

“Then why was she out in Tucson throwing up on a Care Bear?”

“Keyleth, it’s only eleven forty-five.  Have you been drinking already?”

“No.”

“Maybe just a little?”

“Maybe just a little.”

 

* * *

 

“Tal-Dorei Times, crime desk.”

“Vex, it’s Percy.  I think we need to go over and sober Keyleth up before dinner tonight.”

“It’s barely noon!”

“I know, and she just called me drunk asking if I knew Pike’s secret.”

“You didn’t tell her, did you?”

“I don’t _know_ any of Pike’s secrets!”

“Oh, good boy.”

“So Pike has a secret?”

“Nope.  None at all.”

“Well, all right.  I’ll take your word for it.  Now, Keyleth?”

Exasperated sigh. “I’ll pop around after work and make sure she’s in good enough shape for dinner tonight.”

“You’re a good woman, Vex.”

“Thank you, Percival.  Will Cassandra be joining us tonight?”

“No, she’s got her own plans.”

“Just as well.  I think she finds us tedious.”

“No one’s ever found you tedious, Vex’ahlia.”

“See you at the Laughing Lamia at seven.”

 

* * *

 

“Tal-Dorei Times, crime desk.”

“Vex?”

“Pike, are you crying?”

“I just… I can’t…”

“Where are you, sweetheart?”

“The Minneapolis… in the airport… next to the… Cinnabon.”

“Okay.  Did something happen?”

“I just… started thinking… about _Keyleth_ … and she’s gonna… _hate_ me…”

“Sweetheart.  No.  Keyleth loves you.”

“But what if she’s… not ready… and I…?”

“Oh, sweetheart.  I think you’re both ready for something like this.”

A hiccup. “I don’t want her to… _leave_ … and…”

“Pike.  Listen.  I think she’s going to be very happy.  She’s been chattering my ear off all week long about how much she misses you.”

“I’m so sorry, Vex.”

“For what?  A chatty Keyleth?  No power in the ‘verse could keep Keyleth from being chatty.  We both know that.  Now, dry your tears, take a deep breath, get on the last plane, and come home to your darling wife and your friends who adore you and who are going to - oh, shit.”

“What?”

“The classifieds desk is on fire again.  I _told_ Victor to stop smoking while he worked!  Listen, sweetie, we’ll see you tonight, okay?”

 

* * *

 

 _Beep_.

“Hi, Keyleth.  I’m at the airport, headed for the car right now.  I’ll see you in about an hour.  I love you.”

 

* * *

 

When Pike enters the Laughing Lamia, it’s after nine hours split between two planes, a layover, and the drive back from the airport.  She’s exhausted from the road and tired of seeing the multitude of bathroom facilities offered along the way.  Her phone’s full of messages, including a particularly funny Snapchat from Grog, who apparently dunked Scanlan in a barrel of concrete slurry - “just for fun” - but Pike’s only got eyes for Keyleth.

She pushes herself up into the booth - sometimes this “being short” thing gets really old - and has to basically sit on her knees to lean over to Keyleth, kissing her cheek. “Hi.”

Keyleth turns to her, a wine flush in her pale cheeks, and kisses her back somewhat hesitantly. “Hi.”

The rest of their friends are there, sitting in the circular booth at the back of the Lamia that’s been their hangout for years.  Vex reaches across the table and squeezes Pike’s hand. “Welcome home.”

Pike smiles.  She turns back to Keyleth, who’s studying the table, fingers toying with her wine glass. “I have something to tell you.”

“I know.”

“You do?”

“I figured it out.”

Pike shoots a nervous glance at Vex, who shrugs.

“You stayed out in Tucson to be with a guy,” Keyleth says, ticking off the points on her fingers, “and your doctor’s office keeps calling about some ‘test results.’”

“Kerrek was my grandfather’s neighbor,” Pike protests, “and he was helping with the sale of the -”

“Just come out and tell me,” Keyleth says desperately. “You’re dying and you’re leaving me.”

The notion is so absolutely ridiculous that Pike bursts out laughing.  She laughs until her stomach aches, until tears roll down her cheeks, until she almost falls out of the booth.  Only after she can calm herself does she realize that Vex is shaking her head as though to say _No, no, no_ and Grog is staring, open-mouthed, and Keyleth is crying.

“Oh, Keyleth,” Pike says, grabbing Keyleth’s hands. “I’m so sorry.  I didn’t mean to laugh at you.”

“Just get it over with,” Keyleth sobs.

“Well, okay,” Pike says.  She reaches into her purse and pulls out a folded piece of paper, pushes it across the few inches of space between her and Keyleth. “This should… this should explain everything.”

With tears still streaming down her face, Keyleth takes the piece of paper and unfolds it.

A black and white picture of… _something_ … looks up at her.  A screenshot of something, maybe.  There’s a hand-written note in the corner, done in someone’s loopy feminine handwriting in bright pink pen - very definitely not Pike’s - “ _Hi, Mom!  Coming home to you in March!”_

Keyleth looks up.  Turns to look at Pike.  Sees Pike’s trembling lip and sad eyes. “What… what is this?”

“I got a phone call while I was out in Tucson,” Pike says, her voice quiet. “Our treatments… worked.”

Keyleth hears rushing in her ears and the restaurant spins around her. “You mean…?”

“I mean,” Pike says, slipping her hands into Keyleth’s. “We’re going to be parents.”

“Oh.”

“I know it’s a terrible ultrasound picture, but we can have a better one done here,” Pike goes on.

“Oh.”

“And I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you earlier, but I didn’t want to tell you over the phone.  It just seemed like it would cheapen the whole thing.”

“Oh.”

“Keyleth?  You all right, darling?” Vex asks from across the table.

“It’s just… so… _wonderful_ in here,” Keyleth gets out, and she wraps her arms around Pike. “ _You’re_ wonderful.”

“Thanks,” Pike says, her voice muffled by Keyleth’s body smothering her.

And there’s lots of kissing, and more tears, and Keyleth completely losing it - “Moms, Vex!  We’re gonna be _moms!”_ \- and Pike just grins and grins and she’s crying too and dinner is completely forgotten.

 

* * *

 

“Vex?”

“Mmmff?”

“Vex, it’s Keyleth.”

“Mmfff?”

“Vex!  Wake up!”

“Keyleth.  It’s… dear God in heaven, it’s five-thirty in the morning.  I don’t need to be up.  Why the _hell_ are you calling me?”

“It’s Pike.”

“What _about_ Pike?”

“She’s throwing up.”

“What?”

“Like, for two hours.  I think something’s wrong.”

“It’s morning sickness, Keyleth.”

“I’m really scared, Vex!”

“Just go back in there and hold her hand.”

“I tried!  She yelled at me and then locked the bathroom door!”

A long, exasperated sigh. “Okay.  Go make some tea, put a little tiny bit of sugar in it, and make two pieces of dry toast.  Then bring them to her and unlock the bathroom door the way Vax showed you to, okay?  Get her to eat and drink something.  If she’s not better after that, call me back and we’ll go from there.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay.”

“And Keyleth?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re going to make it.  You’re doing a great job.  I believe in you.”

“Thanks, Vex.”

 

* * *

 

_some time later_

 

“Tal-Dorei Times, crime desk.”

“Vex, remember that time when we were fifteen and we made a pact that if one of us needed to get out of a situation, we only had to ask?”

“Yeah, because we thought we were going to be bothered by boys at parties.”

“Right.  And you eventually were, and I got you out of that thing with Grog’s cousin Zanror, remember?”

“Yes, I remember.”

“Okay, well, I’m calling in my favor now.”

“What?”

“I need you to come and rescue me.”

“Where are you?”

“At home.”

…

“Vex?”

“Who do I need to rescue you from?”

“Keyleth.  She’s driving me crazy.”

“Hand her the phone.”

“You’re the best, Vex.”

“Keyleth?”

“Hi, Vex!”

“Your wife seems to think she needs rescuing.  What are you doing?”

“I’m just… helping her.”

“With what?  And why aren’t you at work today?”

“Well, I took the morning off to go to Pike’s doctor’s appointment with her, and now I’m just helping her.”

From the background: _“She’s bothering me!”_

“Keyleth, explain.”

“They just told me at the appointment that I should try to take on more responsibilities around the house so Pike doesn’t hurt herself.”

“ _She took my coat off of me!”_

“Keyleth, darling, really?”

“I just don’t want her to get hurt.”

“I know.  But she’s pregnant, not an invalid.”

“She’s six months pregnant!”

“What else did you try to do for her?”

“Well, I…”

“ _Are you telling her that you tried to hand feed me lunch?”_

“Oh, Keyleth.”

“What?”

“ _I can feed myself a sandwich!”_

“Keyleth, go to work.  Give Pike a few quiet minutes.”

“But…”

“I think the doctor probably meant you should do the heavy-lifting tasks.  Like taking out the garbage, or carrying heavy groceries.”

“Okay.  Are you sure?”

“ _I’m sure!”_

“Just… listen to her, Keyleth.  I guess that’s all I’d say.  And maybe only help her with her coat if she gets stuck in it like she did that time we went out to lunch last week.”

“ _I’m still right here!”_

 

* * *

 

_and some time later than that_

 

“Mmmff?  What time is it?”

“It’s like two-thirty.  Vex, the car isn’t working.”

“So… so take it to Percy’s in the morning.”

“Vex, we need the car.”

“I know.  But it’s two-thirty.”

“No!  We need the car _now!”_

“Keyleth, calm down, it’s okay.”

“Vex?”

“Pike?  What’s going on?”

“Our car won’t start.”

“I know.  Keyleth got that through to me.”

“Can you come… _ohhhh_ … pick us up?”

“Pike?”

“I just… I’m…”

“Pike?  What’s happening?”

“I’m in labor.”

 

* * *

 

_Beep._

“Hi, guys!  It’s me!  It’s Keyleth!  I mean, I guess you figured that out!  Um, hi!  Happy Thursday!  Just wanted to let you know Pike and I have a new addition to the family!  And she’s seven pounds, five ounces and her eyes are green and her hair is white like Pike’s and she’s so beautiful and tiny and we have _no_ idea what we’re naming her except _no_ , we’re not naming her Scanlan the Second and I love you guys all so much!”

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on Tumblr as memorysdaughter!


End file.
